But you do matter. I matter. We matter.

When writing a facebook status likening my struggle with intestinal endometriosis to an infamously violent creepypasta focusing on insomnia, I realized, truly, how much damage this is doing to me. To keep consistent with unnecessary (and probably misleading tbh) technicalities, it isn’t the endometriosis itself. It’s the wreckage it has caused. I have to make a choice every morning not to go into the darkness again. Every day, I have to be extremely aware and actively ensure that I don’t celebrate my weight loss or allow others to, because I have to remind myself that a number on the scale is not tied to the value of my life because I used to tie it to the value of my self, and most (including many of the doctors I have seen) think that I am “still too overweight” to feel the effects of malnourishment, and that I should be celebrating the weight loss, in turn then celebrating the fasting mandated by my wrecked intestines; that I should ignore the swelling from my body trying desperately to hold onto every drop of water it has magically been able to keep down during the past week. I am often dizzy, lightheaded, physically unstable when I do get to be mobile, and my function is impaired. At my own doctors’ advice, I have to every so often go to the ER to get IV fluids to maintain enough hydration to survive. Last time I went they told me to discuss a feeding tube with my PCP.

 

I stil have not received any effective treatment and have little hope I will ever get it.

 

Because of this, I constantly have to reaffirm my value as a human being, the value of my wellness, and the value of my life, because these things do not seem to matter to the people whose licenses seem to be respected more than my health; who have a license that people agree is powerful enough to say to my face that I am untreatable, because my pain is my fault, or my pain is psychogenic, or that I am neglecting myself because I won’t take the diverse collection of unnecessary psychotropics every day anymore that gave me tremors and worsened my real medical condition — but on record helped seem to constantly erase any credibility I may have ever had.

 

They have put me on so many psychotropics. When it didn’t work, they upped it until they legally could not (in most cases, anyway), and when increasing the dosage was no longer possible, they added more or changed to other psychotropics. The psychotropics didn’t touch my real pain because even in the case of most clear-cut mental illnesses, they don’t reah that core. So for me, who has C-PTSD and inestinal endometriosis, meds like Mellaril, Ritalin, Adderal, Haldol, Prolixin, and Risperdal did not help. They could not take the nightmares away, let alone the 10 day debilitating periods or the chronic pain which helped to isolate me as a child. Even Welbutrin XL, Prozac, Klonopin, Remeron, Clonodine, medicines intended to help treat depression, anxiety, and insomnia did nothing to heal me. These lists don’t cover half of the pills prescribed to me by uninvested doctors, and the years I was in the psychiatric wards most often were the same years I was often prescribed to take more than a dozen pills a day.

Continue reading “But you do matter. I matter. We matter.”

On body positivity & awareness

When someone ties their physical form to their integrity or character value, that is when they have an increased likelihood of intentionally harming their body, and devastatingly, society encourages this connection all the time. You can want to lose weight to improve your health – or gain weight to improve your health, build muscle to improve your health, etc. But when you do it in pursuit of becoming a person of “value” or increasing your worth as a human being, that is when you are really hurt inside, and you need to begin healing yourself.

I am 162 lbs now, when I was ~195 in mid-April. While to most people this sounds like a cause for celebration because society sees fat as so “unattractive” (and yes, unhealthy but that’s often secondary to the main message and for awful reasons), losing this much so soon is not healthy either, especially because of how I lost it – being unable to properly take in and digest food. I want to take this time to especially send my love to those with illnesses – of any kind, whether it be endometriosis, cancer, Chron’s, EDNOS, etc – who are overweight, lose weight then because of the illness they’re suffering from, only to then get congratulated on their weight loss when they actually feel like they are (or actually are) dying inside. It is devaluing, dehumanizing, and invalidating, and for those with eating disorders and associated thoughts and behaviors, those experiences significantly encourage the chance of related fatality. That being said, eating disorders have reportedly the highest fatality rate of any mental illness, and there are plenty of people who start out as “heavy” before literally overexercising, starving, or purging (including vomiting and/or excessive laxative use) themselves to death.

 

Note: Because of the tragic self-violence of disordered eating, I refuse to more “gracefully” word that.

 

While many people who have lost a great deal of weight are happy to have lost it, feel good about having lost it, and have lost it under medical supervision and/or through a healthy way, please always consider the possible ramifications of telling someone “Wow, you look so good after all that weight loss!” or tbh, commenting on people’s weights at all.

 

For me, today someone close to me commented in a way that was actually very considerate and was not at all hurtful to me (but validating instead). She had noticed the rapid weight loss and was concerned for me, knowing why it has been happening, and she treated it compassionately.

 

But I can’t tell you how many people have seen me in the past month and told me, “Wow, you look great now! Look at how much weight you’ve lost!” to which I must stifle a frustrated “I’ve lost weight because my body literally won’t allow me to eat and drink due to medical problems and I am so hungry and thirsty and miserable.”

 

The fact that I haven’t been able to leave the house much and so I haven’t seen many people is a true testament to how painfully common this response is.

Continue reading “On body positivity & awareness”

Finding strength in your “weakness”

Reducing the impact of a vice isn’t necessarily trying to eliminate it. We will probably always have at least a fraction of our childhood vices still in us. Instead, try to funnel it into something good, utilizing it differently to accentuate its potentially positive reciprocal.

Couldn’t sleep at all due to the endo pain but was able to fill eight pages in a random notebook with this before typing it up. Help me sleep. Please.

I have long maintained that many beautiful concepts have deep tragedies to them. I see, acknowledge, and appreciate the oft-ignored nooks and crannies of experience and of being, a strong witness to their darknesses, shadows, and the gems enveloped (or even later produced) by them. I’ve come to believe it’s part of the INFJ type, and perhaps among the reasons we are nicknamed “the Mystic” is because we are likelier to be privvy to the otherwise lost or forgotten gifts of deeper universal significance.

My personal outlook on this has taken a long time to develop. Aspect I share with others that I saw as valuable, beautiful, or forgiveable in them were not in myself. I couldn’t see my victories — small or big — as events or processes worth celebrating but congratulated others for things they themselves reportedly saw as minute gestures. Much of this stemmed from self-loathing, feelings of worthlessness and futility. I had higher expectations for myself than I had for those around me, marginally so. But I criticized my efforts, thoughts, feelings, and conduct in ways completely counterintuitive and ultimately counterproductive to growth. I was angry at myself for imagined attributes I didn’t really have or attributes I associated to others in completely inaccurate ways. I think it’s pretty normal for children and younger adolescents to make faulty connections like this. Normal but unhealthy and sadly, I’d say unhealthy habits, thought processes, self talk, etc are all extremely normal, even in adults.

Having C-PTSD and growing up with abuse from pretty much all directions however, I took those faulty connections to some pretty devastating extremes. (Trigger warning: Disordered thoughts – eating disorder + c-ptsd & casual descriptions of SI behaviors)

Continue reading “Finding strength in your “weakness””