Where do we land?

I overwhelmingly connect to the term “Empath.” I am intuitive. I have lived many lives behind many faces. I understand many of the synapses and bridges people find and forge; and while I maintain that the Taste Bud Principle is cosmic “law,” I feel more closely to a person’s pain than I ever feel to a person.

One of the reasons I try to avoid crowds is precisely because I feel pain more than company. I guess this is why I feel distant at a touch but know when someone is within ten feet of me: I feel their personal space–and mine–and the collapsing bodies of the two. It is rare that someone who loves me holds me and I feel like I’m being held by someone I can trust. I’m sure some of these issues stem from PTSD, but I know there is more to it than that.

I think about this a lot. The Taste Bud Principle, as I define it, is the fact we cannot feel each other’s feelings. We cannot fully understand one another. We could not even jump into anyone else’s body or life with our own knowledge and experience and feel the same way they do. Twins reputedly have an intensified link but even they are different than each other because as multi-celled organisms, we vary greatly and become our own definitions.

So where do we land? If we can’t meet at the same point, how can we really “relate” to one another? I’ve never understood that word. “Relate.” Since adolescence, there have been only few instances in which a person does not pour “into” me. Grocery stores, malls, hospitals. It is often overwhelming, all the things that people are and all the things they feel.

I am aware that as INFJ (MBTI personality type), it is likelier for me to be an Empath than, say, an ES something. But today, when I was with the psychiatrist, I was asked repeatedly: “Do you feel you have a special power that most people do not?” I replied with, “Yes, but an Empath, and there are more Empaths in the world than just me.” He jotted something down in his notes–probably a little side memo in the margins saying “delusions.” But really, I feel people so deeply, and I know it’s not just me. The problem with me is understanding pain and not feeling company.

It sucks. I’m lonely wherever I am. I love people, but I don’t like them so much. I want to help others but not stay for very long, but then I want a deep connection both parties act upon. It’s a sad feeling, always being alone and always being separate. I’m getting more accustomed to it after 24 years of experiencing it, but it’s something I battle with daily.

This post isn’t really motivating or progressive or anything, but I wanted to share in case it was relevant to anyone. It is extremely relevant to me.


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